Psühholoogi juures/ At therapy

Nagu ühele moodsale inimesele kombeks käin nüüd ka mina oma depressiooniga psühholoogi juures. Eile tahtsin selle üle lasta, sest mul oli erakordselt kehv tuju, lained lõid pea peale kokku, auto, mille lõpuks parandusest kätte sain ja sellele 10 000 noki (mida mul niikuinii polnud!) olin kulutanud, kooles uuesti peale 10km sõitu, ja ma tundsin, et mul pole psühholoogile 320 noki* maksta (hell, mul polnud eile isegi 3,20 noki!), et siis seal tund aega jaurata oma tunnetest. 

Lõpuks laenasin siiski raha ja otsustasin kohale minna, sest kui poleks läinud, oleks see ikka sama summa maksma läinud. Jaurasime tund aega jälle mu tunnetest ja ma lubasin järgmiseks korraks kirja panna kõik korrad kui "hulluks lähen". Ma alguses mõtlesin, et teen seda salajases päevikus, kuid siis mõtlesin ümber ja panen need kirja hoopis siia blogisse. Andke siis ette juba andeks kui blogi vahepeal eriliselt depressiivseks muutub.

Ühesõnaga. Koju sõites kärvas auto ära ja ma oleks tahtnud sillalt alla hüpata. Vana peldik karjusin ma sisemiselt (poeparklas avalikult ei julgenud karjuda). Marek oli mu peale püha viha täis, et miks ma ei teadnud, KAUA ma kärsahaisu ajava auto (loe: peldikuga) sõitnud olin. Ma mõtlesin, et ma olen ju naine, hea et ma üldse aru sain, et midagi valesti on. 

Rohkem me eile ei rääkinud. Mina mõtlesin omi mõtteid - kas kohe osta lennupiletid Eesti ja Norra seljataha jätta, sest liiga palju on olnud äpardusi, võibolla on see märk? Aga mida teha Eestis ilma sissetulekuta, ilma igasuguse sissetulekuta? Samas tundsin ma, et Norra hakkas mulle eile vastu. Ma tundsin, et tahan oksendada, sest olen nagu kerjus, isegi mitte keskpärane inimene, vaid samal pulgal eluheidikutega, ma ei tahtnud, et keegi võiks arvata, et kasutan neid ära, ma ei tahtnud midagi. Lisaks kartsin ma, et Ida on pahas tujus, jonnib ja ma ei suuda sellega ka veel lisaks tegeleda. Ma hakkasin ise nutma. Nutsin kohe terve õhtu.

Ja siis hakkas mul piinlik. Mida tegi väike Ida? Ta pani jalga papud, tõi mulle jalanõud ja ütles: "Emme, õue!" Võttis mul käest ja reaalselt tiris mu  püsti. "Lilli korjama!" jätkas ta. Ja nii me jalutasime maja juures (ma nutvana kaugemale ei tahtnud), korjasime lilli, istusime paadisillal ja solberdasime puupulkadega vees. Ida oli võtnud endale eesmärgiks mind lohutada? 2,7aastane laps! Pagan kui arukad nad ikka on! Ja vaene laps, keda on "õnnistatud" sellise koormaga. Öelge nüüd, et ei peaks end halva ema ja läbikukkujana tundma!

*plussiks on see, et arve ületab 2000nok, saan ma kogu summa tagasi. 

Ps: ennetades anonüümseid kommentaatoreid, siis see ei ole manipulatsioon, vaid minu saljased sisemised tunded eile.

Like all modern people I now also go to therapy with my depression. I did actually wanted to cancel it, because I felt I don't have 320nok to talk about my feelings (I could pay some bills! And actually I didn't even have 3,20 yesterday). It was a blue blue Monday. Cherry on the cake was that I finally got my car back after it had been in repairs for ages, I spent 10 000 nok on it, and guess what... Ten kilometers later the car stopped working again. I thought it will start to burn! My husband was angry at me because I didn't know how long I had driven with a broken car. I had no idea, I thought I'm a woman, it's good enough that I stopped. I thought about the ten thousand and wanted to through my self off the bridge (okay, it's a bit of an exaggeration!).

Anyway. Back to the therapy. I went, because the cancellation fee is 320 as well. Talked about my feelings, anger, sadness, emptiness...feeling lost without a goal. I promised to write down my feelings and decided to do this her on the blog. The reason for that is that I have been open about many things here, I might as well be open about my depression.

I was angry at my husband and he probably was broken or given up, the situation is not easy for him, I understand him, but cannot help being angry at the same time. We didn't talk more to each other. I honestly thought maybe I should leave him. Not because I don't love him, but because I do. I don't want to see him miserable. (This thought went away quite soon.)

I wanted to leave Norway immidiately. Just leave everything, because I don't even feel mediocre anymore, I feel like one of the beggers on street, living on charity. I felt sick, because maybe people are thinking I am taking advantage of them. I hated that feeling! I love "my people" in Norway, but I don't want to hurt them in any ways.

And I was afraid that Ida is in the bad mood and I just cannot deal with this. I started crying (cried the whole evening) and felt ashamed. You know why? Because this little sweet 2,7yrs old child understood I am in a bad mood. She took my hand, brought me shoes and said "Mommy, outside!". She dragged me out, held my hand the entire time and "forced" me to pick flowers, go for a walk, throw rocks into water. God, how smart they are, I thought! She made me cry more - these were the happytears mixed with tears of shame.  And felt like a failure as a mother. Poor child, who is "blessed" to have a mother like this. A mother, whom she has to cheer up. Shouldn't it be the other way round? Can you blame me for feeling like the worst mom ever. 

Sorry in advance, that the blog time to times now will be even more personal and even more depressive.